Yoga Dreams with Shoulder Obstacles...

 Two weeks after finishing yoga teacher training I developed pain in my right shoulder.  I thought that I must have overworked it and it was just sore and would get better with rest. I then took it easy for a bit to allow it to heal.  After a while I  noticed that it only hurt in certain positions.  I could still do down dog and chatarunga but couldn’t comfortably put my hand behind my back.  After a month I decided to see my doctor.  She then referred me to an orthopedic specialist.  After x-rays, I was diagnosed with a torn rotator cuff and recommended physical therapy.  During the pt I noticed I was losing my range of motion and the pain was most definitely becoming worse.  After six weeks I went  back to the doctor.  He now diagnosed me with “frozen shoulder”.  First - what the hell is frozen shoulder and, second - how the hell did I get it.  He had no good explanation for either of my questions and said that often times it is a precursor to diabetes.  What?!  I am a healthy eating vegan, and nutrition counselor, I’m pretty sure that is not what is going on here!  The time frame for this  “syndrome” could be years.  Frustration set it.

 There are three stages in frozen shoulder syndrome, the first is the freezing stage, extremely painful with gradual loss of range of motion, second is the frozen stage, supposedly less painful, but I have not found that to be the case, with no more loss of motion, and third is the thawing stage, your shoulder slowly comes back to normal, although you may never have your full range of motion back.  This entire process is extremely slow and painful.  Worse case scenario it gets stuck in a particular stage, usually the frozen stage and will not go any further.  The doctors then want to put you under general anesthesia and wrench your shoulder around forcibly breaking what ever it is that is preventing movement and causing pain.  Not my first, second or third choice for a treatment plan at any stage of the syndrome.  Again, more frustration.

I wanted to continue teaching but was losing my confidence quickly. During yoga teacher training my teacher focused on verbal cues, of course we did modeling as well but a strong emphasis was on verbal cueing.  Thank goodness!  My shoulder stopped allowing me to do so many basic poses that modeling had become impossible.  I kept teaching, but as time went on I was still losing confidence and becoming more and more frustrated.  I doubted my path.  How could I teach something I was incapable of doing?  I felt like a fraud.  I had lost so much strength and gained weight form not being able to practice the strong style I had been use to.  I hope that I’m now in the thawing stage, but at times I seriously doubt it, I honestly believe I’m still in the frozen stage, unfortunately.   I can now do a modified down dog and a not too bad warrior II, but warrior I looks strange with my right arm projected forward because it can reach up straight.  The great thing about yoga is there are many modifications for many needs.  I completely realize and remember this for my students but seem to forget it for myself.  I often don’t have as much compassion for myself as I do others.  I constantly need to remind myself that I am just as worthy and just as deserving as anyone for loving compassion.   When I let go of the self pity and focus on the yoga I am reminded of this.

This amazing thing called yoga is capable of healing mind, body and spirit.  During these last nine months of frustration, focusing on my shoulder and what I can’t do, I’ve forgotten what I can do.  Yoga is an amazing gift in my life and even if I’m not practicing the asanas, I’m meditating every single day and doing what I can physically.  The universe will throw things at you to see if you want  your dreams  bad enough to overcome the obstacle.  It’s amazing when you think of it.  It would have been so easy to give up teaching back in  August, when the pain was excruciating.  But to me yoga is part of my life I can’t live without.  I’m not doing it the same way, at all, but I am doing it the way I need to at this particular time in my life…my way.